One good thing about having a terminal illness is you have the ability to make plans. I’ve read that many people move home so that their loved ones will be surrounded by family. I am very aware of saying goodbye in the easiest possible way for my daughter who will be engaged in her future and living independently, when my health begins to fail. It is a gradual separation. Hopefully this means she will have stability when the world crashes for her as her secure base (myself) leaves. I pray my child will find love and can think of nothing better than for her to return to her roots. I am entrusting her to you all.

This is a somewhat sober post to be making the week before Christmas. However, we have been given news that my CEA markers have gone up. This means more ca or growth. A cat scan in January and decisions about surgery and follow on treatment will be made when results are given. George, says this will be my last ‘well Christmas’. I can’t help being the observer and mentally saying good byel as i experience it for maybe the last time. My favorite time of year is now feeling quite difficult.

While working to raise money for Jess’ study needs. She would meet me at the door each day with a juice. She would not tell me the contents. I was instructed to drink it ‘like a shot’ or ‘just to open my throat’. I have now found out what was in those juices that were very green and foul. Friday’s was so foul i gave it back to the earth- much like her placenta. Contents included; silver beet, broccoli, mint, cabbage and avacado. On finding out what i have been choking down each night. As Jess’ way of supporting my efforts of working for her there has been a new rule made. If a food usually would require cooking to taste good it is not to be juiced. It has been so important for me to raise money to support Jess in her first year of study. I have felt alive again. There was no cancer in my classroom!

I think i’ve succeeded at the cancer patients challenge, which is to ‘live’ in the face of death. Thank you Jess for this opportunity. I love you. This Mother is proud!

Below is a poem a friend’s partner wrote for me. It echoes some of my thoughts…

Our friends will ask and want to know
Why for you there is no show
They’ll gather close and then discuss
“Why her, and not just one of us?”

Who threw this random dice of life?
Decided it be love or strive
Longevity or briefly shine
Bitter or the sweetest wine

I know not why this way it is
That life’s so clearly hit and miss
So brief and fleetingly serene
No insight there that you can glean

I only know you have to take
Each day anew is what you make
Don’t waste the time that maybe left
No doubts or else you’ll be bereft

So go and watch the birds fly high
With whales try and play, “I spy”
Remember love of friends like Jac
Many times returned right back

We all love you DebbyAnne
Say, “Stay with us, if you can”
But if your time is nearly here
Thoughts of you we all will share.

Inspired by whales frolicking off Coogee Beach, NSW 11/12/10
Colin Grainger

I was admitted to hospital the day before surgery, scared, anxious and sure i would die in surgery. So, just to delay the inevitable. I hit the cafe at the hospital on arrival for a coffee that wasn’t needed with my co-partners in crime. When we finally appeared at the ward, we found that they had rang my mobile and house to see where i was. I am known for being the model patient, much sought after!

That night i drew a picture of me escaping over a wall and proudly played silly buggers, showing it to the nurse in the morning. The Artist within me flourished! Jess, even admired it and took it to show off when she went out later that day. I have made no money from this art, even though it was a picture that spoke a thousand words

The hospital experience was interesting. My brave and mature daughter stayed with me during recovery. Where i was at the top of every pain killer available and still needed more drugs. I’m not sure how she managed to see her mother in that much pain and come out as strong as she did. Resilience!
Quality genes maybe? Thank you Jess! when you’re in a state of semi-consciousness, it seems that all of your thoughts are freely expressed. So, entertainment was all i had to offer! I told the anesthetist he was hot, when he appeared out of a blur above me. Apparently, also told Jess to give him my number. Then concerned for the self-esteem of the guy at the end of my bed, consoled him with the comment, ‘you’re hot too!’. The nurse had a laugh and experienced career refreshment! Patient’s give back!

Lyn, sat with me later that night while i faded in and out of consciousness, on the pain pump and oxygen. I remember fighting sleep. Suddenly, she was apologizing to the nurse, explaining that she thought she’d knocked me out by accident. She pushed the morphine instead of the buzzer. What are friend’s for, i did need more sleep.

Two special friends visited when it was time for me to stand up. It wasn’t easy. I said to the physio, ‘i’ll stand but don’t make me sing’. Once again, it was the drugs, i’m sure! Sorry Katie bout the gown! lol. It was an incredibly social day, following surgery. While i entertained, Clare casually pushed the pain pump that i avoided. By the time my friends left the pain levels in my blood were doing quite well with the build up. Good work!

On day three, it was discovered that my white blood cells were extremely low. So, i did need another blood transfusion and Jess stayed for the hours it took to drain into my body. She stayed close to me well into the night, knowing how i hate transfusions. The bag was behind me and i chose not to look. Unfortunately, visitors didn’t have the same option. Sorry N. and Gary. Thank you Becca for the entertainment!

I had an interesting reaction in chapel on Sunday when i was offered communion. It was a wafer with red juice in the middle. All i wanted to do was nudge the person next to me and ask who’s blood it was and is it clean? The thought, ‘i don’t want blood!’, repetitively whirled around in my head with determination. Then, i ate the wafer with an oh well, attitude. It was just more blood. After some time i realized it was juice to represent Jesus’ blood. Being a patient changes the meaning of a lot of church things for me.

Many things happened in hospital. I felt really safe with the kind nurses. Those people are truly amazing. One nurse spent about 30 minutes taking a plaster off my wound because i was so body sensitive. It’s interesting how hospital has become one of my safe places now. I go there so much that i am recognized and welcomed back. I also know the routines and have learnt how to be a patient within the system. This is not the year i thought it would be and it stuns me that i’ve been a regular there since diagnosis in February. Everyone else continues with life while i have check up’s, take chemo, give bloods and endure surgeries. Bring on Christmas!

I’m home, i’m tired and my wounds hurt! Four more cycles of chemo and one more surgery hopefully will end treatment. This will probably make it November. I am holding out for Christmas and being with people i care about with no more to be endured

The surgery is now finished and was successful. The plan was to remove 50% of the liver and only 10% was removed, because of shrinkage. The second tumor on the side was radi-blasted. This involves putting tiny needles into the tumor and burning it off. I’m still in pain and attempting to not take pain killers. My guess is that the liver has now re-grown. Incredibly, the liver is the only organ in the body that is able to regenerate. It takes about two weeks to regrow.

The fact that i have cancer is now very real to me. I have been in a numb mental state for most of this journey and believe it fits into the grief cycle under denial, although i prefer the term disbelief. I now am fully aware that this is happening to me! I have cancer! I think i have moved through a lot of anger and sadness as well. Unfortunately, this is not a linear process. However, it’s incredible that the the prognosis may seem to be changing-as each op. is successful. The psychological risk is to become left behind cognitively in a maladaptive emotional response.

I have a friend who says, ‘D.A. I just don’t ever think of you not making it, because, knowing all you’ve been through, you are the exception to the rule’. ‘You always have been, so why not now! This phrase really helps me. Recently, due to moving through the grief process, i have been able to gain an overall new perspective. When i look back on my journey so far surgically, i have been the exception to the rule. I have three pieces of evidence to support this.

Firstly, when i had colon surgery, i was told it was a ‘hairy’ operation because of lymph-nodes wrapped around my main vein. If the lymph nodes pulled on this vein during surgery i would die. It was highly unlikely to be able to get all of the tumor and the surgeon would close me up at any sign of risk. Surgery, was successful and the surgeon told me that the tumor and nodes easily peeled away- he was ecstatic and completely surprized. I also did not need a bag! (whew). Secondly, I was refused liver surgery initially due to metastasis to the lungs. I made my wish known and gained an interview with the liver surgeon and surgery was booked and completed. Thirdly, i have managed to remain healthy throughout chemo with the help of Lynn and family. Comments received have been, ‘i’ve never seen you looking this healthy, ever before’. I’ve even put on weight!

I don’t know what the outcome of this journey will be. I believe i have this disease because i needed to learn to value life. I also believe that making it out alive will be partly under my control through positive mental attitude with el-pizio! ‘A confident expectation’. I am aware that the stats have not changed and this does not make sense to me. Hello! There’s nothing to get symptoms from. I am also aware the risk of relapse is 70%.

And…..i am two thirds of the way through this journey and have had two successful surgeries with one third left. Lungs, here i come!

Please light a candle on Monday for a successful surgery. One step closer to remission.

My whole body and mind I think has started to grieve my mum, giving me a head start before hand.
Not only has god taken my mums health but also our relationship I have been cut down and taken out on getting blamed for not helping her out more, well.. news to that I would if my car had not been stolen and that we had a house we could both live in and if i was not at course all week day. Had already been feeling guilty not being
able to help out as much with daily tasks that my mum can not manage.. and it had been opened up !.
love aye a strange thing
saying ” I love you”
does not cut it when lives are dramatically changing
having someone break u into pieces with words is the worst feeling especially when you are not being listened to.

Ifeel like i have all these emotions of anger, hate, sadness, loneliness, rejection, guilt and i don’t know what to do with them so im like a stand still dont know whether to cry or yell or throw things around or punch a wall.
I m angry at the people who i thought would stand by me in this time of brokeness like my friend toni o brien i considered her a best mate since i was 8 years old we would talk on the phone at least once a week would help her when she was down and vice versa but the day i told her about my mum i have not received a call since her being diagnosed.
My ex partner Ryan who i was on and off with for 2 years the guy i had been there for picking him up early hours in the morning most weekends because he had no ride home the guy i comforted when he was sick from drinking plenty of times the guy who knew if he needed me i would be there for night or day.he stopped being a friend stopped contacting me the hour i found out about my mum having cancer.
tip for everyone choose your friends wisely because when u need them the most would they turn their back?
the night my mother and i argued i threw my bibles in the bin i felt like turning away from it all. even my life.. if it wasnt for donna and richard being in my life and if i was living at home with my mum i dont know if i could of been able to resist my old ways.
my mother wont even text me back one day it will be the case of knowing i will never get a text from her again when god decides to take her away from me.
I am now fasting ( not food ) but t.v and facebook for mums healing and other things. giving me alot of time with god ( the guy i want to slap)
how does someone keep their head high?